Are You Even Human

55. I Do Not Tolerate Failure

The frigid darkness around me does its best to crush me on all sides, but I sink all the same, keeping my body sleek and dense so I fall through the water almost like air. Part of me wishes I could descend even faster, escaping from my shame at the greatest possible speed, but the other part of me knows I'm already being unacceptably childish. Wishing for is far too much.I'm deep enough that I can no longer see the light from The Divinity of Wonder's body, and I'm than deep enough that there's nothing left from the surface, assuming it's even daytime. I have to say, I wasn't expecting to be so down here. It's not rock concert loud or anything, but… there's always something. Whalesong is thankfully pretty common; I'd have worried the aliens would have hunted most whales to extinction given their omnicidal proclivities, but I guess not.

It's kind of eerie, though, out here alone in the darkness. I've heard whalesong described as beautiful before, but I have to say I don't get it. It sounds more like an agonized moan than music, the last gasps of a dying world echoing through the cold dark, heard only by beings who can barely even comprehend the idea that they might be saying something with all that noise.

There are other sounds, but they're much harder to identify. Persistent rumblings, like the growl of some great beast, ring up from below me. It almost makes me afraid to keep going deeper, as silly as it is to worry that something down here might threaten me.

If anything really is that dangerous, I'll feel it. And then, I'll it.

Despite the complete darkness, it doesn't come as a surprise to me when the bottom of my torpedo-like form touches the ocean floor, countless extraneous senses confirming what my domain detects about the collection of minuscule life beneath me. Those that can move under their own power scatter briefly at my impact, then turn and swim back, eager to investigate whether I'm some sort of fallen carcass. I'm not really in the mood to be bothered, though, so the moment they enter my domain I shrivel up my extraneous mass and vanish it all away.

Left alone on the ocean floor, with no deeper to go, I can run no further from my thoughts.

I can't how stupid I just was. How could I have just… all that shit? They've done nothing but go out of their way to be kind to me and I screamed at them for all sorts of shit that wasn't even their fault! What the hell is my problem!? This kind of self-control is supposed to be what I'm good at, and I fucked it up.

I just got so mad at that Blossom bitch. She wouldn't stop riling me up, over and over, absolutely constant. It's like she knew exactly what to say to make me mad, giving me those stupid names and insisting over and over that there's something wrong with me. By the time we got into that conversation about how war is totally fine actually I was already on the brink of lashing out. I need to figure out how to deal with her. Assuming I even go back.

…No. No, quit being a mopy idiot, Julietta. Of you're going back. You need them. They don't need you, but you need them, or else Maria is dead. Pull yourself together, moron.

My body shifts and twists, legs moving from feet to fins to crab-like appendages, tapping incessantly against the thick sand below. I twist and flow through the water, going everywhere and nowhere, not needing to worry about getting lost because the pull of my Queen always rests at the back of my mind. I don't know how to feel about that anymore. I was initially scared of it. Then I got used to it. It became background noise, something that led me towards hope when I least expected it. And now, it's like a hanging guillotine, the knowledge that at some point I need to return and it be horribly uncomfortable pressing harder on my shoulders than the deep sea pressure.

So. Damage control. They're obviously going to be even convinced that I'm unstable now, and probably even more insistent that they need to help 'fix' me, too. Gotta prepare myself for that, be ready and not let it get to me again. I can't just… just at people who are trying to help me! Gah, why was this such a problem!? What the hell has gotten into me!?

I grow to twice my usual size, shift myself a massive set of manta-ray-like flippers, anchor my feet into the ground, and as much water as I can into a random direction. It takes all my muscular power to shift a mass of dense water that much, but I pull it off and set a localized storm of swirling water to ravage across the bottom of the ocean floor, tapering out a few dozen feet away from me. It doesn't accomplish anything at all, but it feels good and lets off a bit of my overflowing stress. I do it again and again, growling out into the ocean waves to let my anger join the whalesong. Stupid, stupid, stupid, I'm just so How could I mess up something this important!?

Shoving my impotent rage into the water naturally doesn't accomplish anything, but I suppose I feel slightly better by the end of it. I'm not bothering to maintain even a hint of external humanity at this point; I'm still using a mostly human brain, but my body has fully adapted to the water, flowing between forms as easily as it swims through the deep. There's nothing down here but me and the occasional blind beast.

Twisting like a serpent, I rush towards a group of translucent fish and peel apart into a dozen tentacles, each reaching towards an individual prey. Those that miss join back together as I move, while those that connect latch on, crush, and kill before I digest them into myself. I'm just killing for the sake of it, but the movement is empowering, the change is relaxing. I don't know how long I stay down there, but I suppose it must have been too long, as eventually I feel another domain. I twist towards it.

a familiar scent spreads into the water around me.

Oh. Him. I half-expected Blossom to be the one to follow me here, but this isn't as bad. He's… kind.

I send back.

Wanderings answers.

I answer noncommittally, and Wanderings hesitates.

they say.

I admit, scrunching myself back together and returning to my humanoid form in shame.

he answers. Of course. Of course he doesn't.

I say, a deep sadness flowing unexpectedly through me. I don't understand it, at first, but I peel apart the emotion and quickly figure it out.

I somehow honestly thought I would fit in better with aliens than with humans. I did. I really did. It was kind of stupid of me, wasn't it? Of course that wouldn't be the case. We have different cultures, different anatomies, different fundamental brain structures. I understand them than I do humans, because why wouldn't I? And they, in turn, understand me less as well. Despite their eagerness to embrace me, they still consider me a freak. And they always will. Everyone always will. I never should have gotten my hopes up.

Wanderings says.

It hurts so much to hear that. All lies hurt to hear, when they come from people you want to like. Though… no, wait. Aliens can't lie, right? Why am I…

I ask.

I say.

I say.

I manage.

Wanderings asks.

Hah. He wants me to go back. Of course he does. They all want me back. That should be so obvious I don't even need to think about it. I how these aliens work. I figured it out ages ago! Why is this suddenly so hard for me?

I manage.

Wanderings agrees, copying my phrasing as if tasting it a second time.

I say.

Wanderings assures me.

I lie.

These people just want to help me. I know that. I that's true, it literally can't not be true without completely reframing everything I understand about their entire species. So why does that feel so much more likely? Am I under the effect of some kind of power? They care. They aren't going to throw me away just because I blow my top at them. Why can I not just

Oh my god. Wait. No. no. I'm acting irrationally due to a disproportionately extreme emotional reaction. I know what that is. I know what makes a human brain do that. God damnit god damnit god

I should be better than this. Why can I not just control myself?

Pathless Wanderings Gladden Futures is a remarkably fast swimmer, which I suppose might be the reason he was sent after me. Although… I guess there's also the question of how he actually me alone in the depths of the ocean. Maybe that's part of his power. It occurs to me that I can simply ask, but I'm not in the mood for more talking. I make as efficient a swimming body as I can manage and keep pace with him as we ascend back to our Queen's domain.

When we arrive, Blossom and Chaos are waiting for us. Blossom squirms where she floats, her tendrils shaking and shifting as she idly spins in place. Chaos watches us with careful stillness.

he greets us.

Pathless Wanderings Gladden Futures jokes happily.

Blossom says.

I answer.

The Divinity of Wonder groans.

I answer.

Wonder gasps.

Chaos laughs.

Blossom bares her blades and shakes her tendrils at me.

she hisses with unexpected delight.

Wanderings interjects.

I ask.

Blossom answers.

The water reeks of disapproval, the chosen of Possibility bristling at even the mention of Failure. I find myself caught off-guard yet again, despite resolving to stay on the attack this time around.

I ask.

Ah. I grimace. What humans do as a natural byproduct of our lack of empathy and care for each other, the god of Failure

I acknowledge.

Blossom says.

The Divinity of Wonder says.

Blossom corrects.

I grumble.

Blossom says.

I argue.

Blossom asks.

the Queen interjects.

Blossom says.

I scowl.

properly.

This… no. No, no, no. I see what she's doing here. She got me mad enough to actually share my thoughts the first time, so she thinks it'll work again. She's… she's doing She's trying to manipulate me into being a healthier person… but it's by standards of what I should be. It's not like I… well, I mean, I guess I apparently a little traumatized and not acting totally rationally on my own, but… is this really how she's choosing to try and help!?

Hmm. Maybe 'choosing' isn't the right word. It's not like she's capable of putting her thoughts through a filter before they become words. She's probably right that I'd understand her better if I opened myself more fully to that, which I be able to do without reciprocating, but… ugh. Am I just being stubborn for its own sake at this point? What's the right thing to do here? I need more time to think about this.

I ask.

the Queen answers.

I ask.

The Divinity of Wonder explains.

Huh. That makes an unfortunate amount of sense. And… I suppose there isn't much risk to it? Sure, she could completely fuck up my brain, but I can just change it back anytime I want. Even Maria, whose Queen had no idea what she was doing, didn't manage to mess up hard enough that Maria actually lost her powers. So I be completely fine. Plus, I can't say I'm not curious how the aliens do this stuff.

Unauthorized duplication: this narrative has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

I tell her.

she asks.

I say,

Chaos Erupts in Indifferent Blessings gasps.

Blossom answers.

The Divinity of Wonder says.

I say.

Blossom asks.

I admit.

she says, her tendrils shaking.

The Divinity of Wonder says.

Blossom writhes with anticipation.

Y'know what? Sure. After my temper tantrum earlier I could use a bit more directed exercise.

I ask.

Blossom says.

I wonder how she does that. She makes everything sound so sarcastic in a language that barely even has a concept of sarcasm.

Wanderings sighs.

I answer before Blossom can.

The two of us start to swim towards the edges of our Queen's domain, to stay out of the way and not let any other powers interfere.

Blossom comments.

I confirm,

I demand.

Blossom laughs, taking position about twenty feet away from me and spreading out her domain to nearly the entire distance. I keep my domain closer to my body, just enough of it extended to feel out what she's doing with hers.

Chaos sighs.

I remain in my usual form for now, not wanting to give too much away too early. I am, I'll admit, definitely not used to fighting underwater in any real capacity, so there's no need to rush this. I have access to several forms capable of incredible bursts of speed, and I can shift to them at any time.

Though while I approach slowly, Blossom doesn't approach at all. She rests languidly in place, happy to let me make the first move. I start to circle her domain, stabbing thin spikes of my own through to try and prompt a reaction, but she does nothing. She doesn't even fight the intrusion. If I pressed all the way in, I might be able to seize control of her body outright. Although… maybe she's baiting me to try exactly that, and intends to counter the moment I stretch my domain that far. Hmm… unlikely, I think. Based on our prior interactions, her power doesn't seem to need much penetration to work anyway. It's worth a shot.

Floating right at the edge of her range, I shape my domain into a long, thin rod and jab it directly at her body, piercing through the space between us in a flash. Somewhat predictably, she teleports away before I can touch her, and when I move my domain to follow she simply continues to relocate herself, never attacking. Her domain itself doesn't even move, she just changes her own position within it.

Blossom asks.

Annoying little… well, this obviously isn't working, so into the den of the beast I go, I suppose. I bring my domain back and let my body flow into that of a swordfish, bursting forward to try and catch her off-guard. She obviously avoids my lunge, but as I reach the center of her domain I grow a web of tendrils out in every direction, moving to catch her with a dozen different arms.

she taunts, flitting around between my grasping limbs. Each time she teleports, she ends up in a different pose, sometimes languid, sometimes aggressive, and sometimes upside-down with her tendrils flopping overtop her 'head' like an upturned skirt.

Okay, that's enough of that. She can teleport anywhere inside her domain, instantly, with no delays? Fine. I burst into a furious network of flesh, expanding my domain to match her own and flooding it with my own body. Twisting tentacle vines wrap around everything they can reach, Blossom teleporting again and again to avoid their grasp. But each time she does, there's less and less space for her to end up, until I finally trap her. I wrap myself around her every limb, her every body part, twisting and smothering until she is nothing but the center of a churning ball of

I hiss.

Blossom purrs.

I ask, and then

I

Explode?

What? I don't know what happened, but I have nothing else to call it but an for the whole of my being is now little more than chunky red mist scattered within the water. What happened, what happened, what The entirety of my body was obliterated instantly and simultaneously. I pull it back together, taking shredded cells and bursting blood drowning in seawater and shoving it back into a coherent shape, returning my mind to functionality. It doesn't help me understand a thing. I rush out of her domain and take in the shock, fear, and horror radiating from everyone other than Blossom, who remains mostly just smug.

Chaos declares.

Blossom interjects.

I hiss.

Chaos warns.

Blossom happily brushes him off.

I admit. Instant movement, instant attacks… there aren't a whole lot of options here.

Blossom laughs.

I scowl.

Blossom says.

I prompt.

She raises her tendrils and snaps her bladed limbs against each other, causing a loud that twirls and churns the water around her. Then she waits a beat, and the same sound is mirrored a hundred times all over her domain, rumbling like a deafening explosion.

That's… absurd.

I ask.

No one

I summarize.

Well, if she's going to insist, who am I to deny her? I erupt in her direction as a draconic hydra of serpents. They immediately get destroyed, pulped into fine chunks, but I reform them almost as quickly and continue my approach. She can destroy faster than I can heal, but I only truly to heal as a method to transport my own domain, a vessel of twisting blood growing bone and shattered bone growing skin and tattered skin spraying blood, all moving ever-forward. I am a slurry of severed tendrils, a pit of blind worms thrashing towards their chosen meal, and though every cut through me taxes my reserves, it isn't by Being cut simply leaves me with too much leftover mass to reuse, no matter how many pieces into which I am shredded.

Blossom is powerful, but she has a weakness. Not the weakness she told me about; I don't really have a way to force her to move and give up her available possibilities. Instead, her weakness the fact that she must not move, the fact that she has to give up all her strength if she does so. There are several ways that could be exploited, though most, admittedly, aren't available to me. In my case, however, there is one big advantage. Her power is stronger the wider she spreads her domain, due to its range restriction and low penetration requirement. But means she lacks any real defense against opposing powers. Powers like my own.

My ever-regenerating mass of splattered offal gets close enough, and I stab outwards with my domain. She dodges, but she's been dodging a and I've been paying attention. She likes to taunt me, to circle around me, to never truly use the full extent of her capabilities unless she absolutely must. So as my first jab misses, I'm already preparing my second, predicting her path. She is limited, if nothing else, by her own speed of thought. She can't move faster than she can perceive. With tricks and distractions, I can catch her.

There, there, there, there, She runs and I chase, always on the backfoot because why should I care if I'm cut to ribbons? Without a functioning brain, I feel no pain. It's only a matter of time until I guess correctly and trick her into putting herself in the path of my power, and sure enough, as our dance of gore reaches its crescendo, she does.

I devour her tendrils and her blades, twisting them away inside me, leaving her reeling in shock for a split second before she teleports again. I feel the new mass I took from her vanish inside my reserves, and she reappears unharmed, having chosen a new reality where she was never caught at all.

I have time to form myself just enough of a brain to understand what she thinks of my minor victory.

She knows that's a point to me, or however things are measured in this duel of ours. She knows I have gotten her core there, but she's been playing with me this whole time so it's not a true showing of my superiority. I've just proven she has to take me seriously. And so, the dance begins anew.

With her making optimal dodges instead of taunting steps, she moves too far and relocates too quickly for my prior strategy to work. I flee back out to the edge of her domain, spreading myself in a thin shell around her circumference, encircling her and trapping her within herself. Free for a moment from the constant destruction of Blossom's domain, I gain a moment to think.

…And Blossom gains a moment to talk, apparently.

Hmm. Well, no reason not to answer, I guess.

I respond.

I layer more bone alongside the inside of my form, then coat the bone with crystal. Each and every form of defense I have access to, I optimize and compare. This will be the true deciding factor in our fight. If Blossom really is limited to things she could have hypothetically done, what happens if I build a body she can't cut?

Slowly but surely I settle on my designs, confident in their ability to withstand Blossom's hydraulic stabbing blades. When I finish surrounding her domain in it, I begin the test, and grow towards her. My body is now a hollow geode, expanding inward like a fast-growing colony of coral, building a jagged maze of solid mass towards the centerpoint: Blossom herself. As my limbs grow in—not like the limbs of an animal, this time, but more like the limbs of a tree—Blossom obligingly tests them, a cutting force slamming against my armor with lethal intent. Her attack chips, so I improve. It cracks, so I improve. And when she can do little more than shave a mote of dust from my crystal shell, I grow it

The attacks come relentlessly. One, two, five, ten, twenty all in the blink of an eye. They're no longer individual cuts, but a whirling gale of force trying to sand down my body with nothing more than sheer quantity of impacts. And though it works, it doesn't work as quickly as I can grow. It takes all her focus to crush a single part of me, and I can grow from countless directions. I can reach her. I can lock her down again, and for good this time. So I do.

She flees as long as she can, but eventually I corner her in the center of her own domain. Even if she grows it further, she can't simply teleport out of my grasp because she has no way to out of my grasp. Not anymore. When my branches entangle her, when I have completely arrested her movement for good, I form an effigy of my body and face in front of her, giving it eyes to see her and olfactory organs to taunt her. It only seems right.

I say.

Blossom says, her scent soft when so thoroughly smothered by my own.

I ask. That is not exactly where I expected this to go.

I ask.

she asks.

I say nothing, but she and I both understand that means no. Nothing about what I am has ever been barring a few stolen forms. Even the body Maria ended up so attracted to was always just Lia's. I begin to unravel myself, no longer needing to hold onto Blossom now that I've won our bout.

she pouts, because somehow she manages to taunt me even about my own victory.

Wanderings asks, swimming hesitantly closer to us as Chaos calls an end to the bout.

Blossom huffs.

Chaos says pointedly in my direction.

The Divinity of Wonder rumbles.

I lie.

Blossom hums.

I ask.

she answers.

Ugh. Okay, I need to lie around these people. Blossom is way too sharp, figuratively and very, very literally.

I respond.

Blossom asks.

Ugh. This again? Already?

Blossom says.

I insist.

Blossom asks.

I say.

Blossom counters. weakness,

I challenge.

she snaps.

I snap back.

Blossom rages.

I ask, struggling for a moment to find an answer.

Blossom asks.

I answer.

Blossom says.

I… but… no, that's…

I admit.

I say.

Blossom says,

Chaos chimes in.

Wanderings affirms.

the Queen finalizes.

I twitch and shift, changing between forms and faces with no real destination. I really do have to admit it, don't I? I'm traumatized. My abusive childhood and experiences in war probably actually gave me PTSD. How fucking embarassing.

I concede.

Blossom says.

Sure. Whatever. We'll see how it goes. Worst-case scenario, she's already failed to kill me in any way that actually sticks, so what could go wrong?